I’ve been wondering how to approach this topic because it is not an easy subject to write about. I read this article at ehomebody.com, and after reading my friend Amy’s post about her son Ian, thought I should write about my experience with a “difficult” child.
Curly has always been our easy-going, happy child. She slept all night long from about our 3rd night home from the hospital – she was easy to feed, easy to entertain, easy to take care of and easy to love. She is bright and sunny and I call her my “Sunflower” – she just has that disposition that makes everybody smile.
And then came Georgie.
Fussy. Irritable. Sensitive. Demanding. Needy. NON-sleeper.
For the first 18 months of her life (where I was also attending school online and working full-time for the first 9 months) – I was a complete zombie. She was demanding of my time and attention and I was left feeling completely incapable of taking care of her, let alone meeting her basic needs.
My postpartum depression did NOT help.
I thought when I came home full-time that things might ease up – maybe she just needed more attention. Maybe she needed more one on one. Maybe she needed more naps (I know I certainly did!)
But the intensity of her needs and demands really drained me. Honestly. I got concerned that maybe she was autistic or had Asperger’s and we investigated the signs and symptoms.
I call her my Sweetpea – sensitive and fragile…
Then I found an article by Dr. Sears that opened my eyes to the unique and wonderful world of the High Needs Child. I read an article 12 Features of a High Need Baby and CRIED WITH RELIEF!
She wasn’t broken. She wasn’t damaged. I wasn’t crazy. In fact – I discovered that Georgie was just really special.
She does not think or learn like a typical child. Where most people find themselves working to think and live “outside the box” – Georgie LIVES outside the box.
She is sensitive to sound and light. Always has been. She is sensitive to touch – and we often had to struggle to find the right fabric when she was an infant – because her skin was so sensitive. I had to carry her in a sling to keep her tightly close to me – because she simply can’t get close enough sometimes.
And she is terribly bright. Always watching. Always listening. Always soaking up EVERYTHING like a sponge.
Part of her irritability stemmed from her inability to communicate effectively. And for her, the introduction of sign language during infancy made a MAJOR difference in our everyday life. She would often SCREAM for hours – and leaving her to scream it out was completely ineffective with her. It only increased her NEED for comfort and security. She would get hysterical. And then I was hysterical and at my wits end.
When she learned a few basic signs like “hungry” or “sleepy” or “drink” – life got easier. And when she could speak, and she spoke early – she could finally TELL us what she needed. There was relief for all of us – including her.
There are moments – every single day – that she finds herself on the floor screaming and crying. Some of this is just because she’s a child and isn’t getting her way. But for her, I can say, “Georgie, I don’t know what you want or need when you’re screaming. You have to USE WORDS to tell me what you need.” And it is effective, even though she just turned 3.
We have to be very descriptive with her and provide words and meanings so she can then use them. And she does. Effectively.
A conversation with Georgie is often full of surprises and DEEP meaning. She lives intensely – she feels intensely – and helping her learn to identify and express her feelings, while teaching her to navigate life is really challenging. And that’s where the term “Difficult” comes in.
She is artsy – and our walls, doors, and dressers often show evidence of her NEED to color and draw and she can twirl beautifully about a room to any music (whether its a living room or a restaurant). She is moody – and some of that is just sheer genes, but they are intensified in her to the Nth degree, which is challenging for all of us. She is empathetic – in a way that surprises many people, including us. She can sense a mood before a lot of us even get an idea that something is going on. She is fearless – in that breathtaking way that threatens to stop a mother’s heart. She is lovely – in ways that I can’t even put into words sometimes.
It’s not that SHE is difficult in the sense that she has problems. It’s that it is often difficult to get OUTSIDE myself and what I think I know about being a mother. I have to mother her so creatively and so differently than Curly – and it is DIFFICULT for me to do that as well as I should. She is crushed by yelling – and I’m a yeller… I have to die more to myself with Georgie than anybody else I know, including my husband.
A relationship with Georgie is not like a relationship with anybody else. I can’t just mother “off the cuff” with her. I have to be very intentional and thoughtful in every single interaction with her – and that is what is difficult. I can’t just do a halfway job and hope for the best. All kids deserve a fully invested mom – but she requires it…
So I don’t really have a “difficult” child. I have a very special child who challenges me to be more and better than I really am…
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