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Feeling Normal. Meet Sairah Faith.
So for the first time in a very long time – on Tuesday as a matter of fact – I felt NORMAL. I don’t know how else to describe it, but when I woke up, I was fully present, in my skin, in my circumstances, in my life.
And it was a BEAUTIFUL day!
It’s been so. very. long. since I have felt even the slightest tinge of “normal.” Maintaining, yep. Surviving, sure. Even close to Positive. But NORMAL? Well, I haven’t seen or felt normal in too long.
Been taking antidepressant (for postpartum depression, which just fell right into regular depression) for about 9 months. The past 2 months I missed a few doses here and there, and then I just forgot to take them. It got dark for awhile – you’re not supposed to just go “cold turkey” with antidepressants, but I feel like I’ve come out of the dark!
It felt good. I could think clearly. I made plans and followed through. I thought about important things, needful things, and God walked with me through the day.
I’m excited and sharing this with you because it’s a New Day for me now.
Roy & I had been talking some recently – more than we have in awhile – about the miscarriage we had in 2009. A LOT of stuff has happened in our lives since then, and that was pretty major. But I didn’t really get to process our loss much because of the other stuff. I grieved. But I didn’t feel it out. I just put it on the back burner while other more pressing circumstances shook my world and got my attention.
And as my heart and mind have come back to NORMAL, it’s as though God allowed thoughts of our baby to come into my mind.
I don’t know if you’ve ever suffered a miscarriage, but I can tell you that having a miscarriage after experiencing an abortion 25 years ago – well, the loss felt the same. The emptiness felt the same. I knew the very second the baby no longer lived inside me, before any evidence of such. The only difference was the guilt & shame were non-existent this time around.
Still, we had talked at the time about things we wanted to do – how we could memorialize our baby. But nothing panned out.
And so this week after having a few brief conversations about it, I asked Roy if he could tell me whether or not he felt like we’d lost a boy or a girl. (When I went through the recovery process from my abortion, this was a very important step because it allowed me to NAME my child, and in this way, I could remember and memorialize her in a real way.)
Roy said he felt like it was a girl. I had too. So then we kinda broached the subject of names. And we agreed upon one.
Looking back at my pregnancies, I have been able to name every child (whether or not I actually chose the name). Each child has a name and a place in my heart. And this baby finally does too.
Meet Sairah Faith.
Now, our girls have the “ai” thing going on in their names. And Little Man has the “S” name thing going on – only after we settled on the name could I see how her name bridged between the girls and the boy we are blessed with. For me, at least for me, I saw how God gave us a bridge. It is part of a pattern that means something to me.
That’s how personal God can be!
“Sarah” means “Princess” which is appropriate, don’t you think? And Faith – well, that’s just a reminder for me of how God has been faithful through a lot of storms.
I don’t know if the feeling normal helped with selecting a name, or if selecting a name has allowed me to feel normal – I haven’t figured that part out yet. But God has poured out his grace over me and I feel swallowed up in a big frothy cup of it, swimming away.
There’s more to this story, but this is what I could share for now. Thanks for reading!
My New Feature Page and Why I Am a Pro-Life Woman
I just wonder how many of you have visited my home page? Have you been there lately? Did you even KNOW I had a home page? If you’re a subscriber, you may only ever visit my posts page. I wanted to take this opportunity to invite you HOME today. Mainly, it’s because I have published a new page I wanted you to visit.
I Am a Pro-Life Woman is my new page as a filler until my personal story is rewritten. I am a Pro-Life Woman. That may offend some. But it may also serve as a bridge to others. THAT – an opportunity to bridge a gap – is the reason I want to highlight that page. My experiences are not about me. God has been with me through some horribly DARK moments due to my own choices. Choices that were made despite His opportunities to choose otherwise.
I exercised my “right” to an abortion. And it opened up a Pandora’s box of guilt, shame, remorse, flashbacks, and more pain than I ever imagined.
God brought me through. He has rescued me from a prison of guilt and shame. He has put my enemy under His feet. And He has brought me new life.
Imperfect. Still willful. But oh so grateful, and OH. SO. blessed. That is why I am a Pro-Life Woman!
Backyard Farming in the Basement
Most folks in town “farm” in their backyard if they farm at all, right? There are a number of books on the subject, actually. It’s becoming more popular as people learn to produce their own goods to save money and learn about self-sufficiency. If we had our druthers we’d live on a piece of land with a backyard farm.
For now?
We farm in our basement…
That’s where mommy & daddy guinea pig are – Mr. & Mrs. Moonpie. Their babies, Brownie, Cupcake, Cookies & Twinkie live with them in lovely little cages downstairs.
The egg incubator has been there as well, and as chicks hatched, they were moved into a box in an upstairs bedroom under a lamp. It’s only temporary. They will be in the basement before long, and then they will be in the backyard.
Out of 7 that hatched, 5 are thriving, 1 has gimpy legs and probably won’t make it, and 1 did not survive. Any roosters that develop will be given away as we are not allowed to have roosters in city limits unless our neighbors don’t mind. And we have a neighbor who DOES mind, so we won’t keep them…
However, we’re hoping for 3 or 4 or 5 hens to remain – mostly for pets, but also somewhat for egg production & introduction to 4H. The chicks are SOOOOO stinkin’ cute! All fluffy and cheeping.
And stinkin’. They will require more effort on Roy’s part, but they are mostly his project anyway.
Out of 36 eggs, 7 hatched. That doesn’t seem like much, and yet, it’s probably perfect for us. Roy broke open an unhatched egg and it was simply not fertile. We are actually pleased with the results considering we had some “help” from a couple of curious girls who get excited about babies…
Some of the guinea pigs will move onto better places, too – at some point. My hubby has a hard time letting go of animals, and although we were told we bought 2 female guinea pigs, of course we purchased a mating pair, and now we get to deal with the results. sigh…
Our basement is sorta shaping up into a homework / study / farm and it’s working out well. Our floor remains unfinished and I think we’ll probably invest in some carpet remnant to cover it – and it will be a great living space. Between Algebra, Little Man’s recurrent colds, Roy’s work schedule – and two messie girls who inherited that trait honestly from their messie mommy – we still have some work to do. Even since my mother-in-law did a major overhaul.
I may be brave and show some basement pictures – beyond the animals – but I am not sure about that… I’m still figuring out how to get video posts done a little bit better, so we’ll take one thing at a time. Until then, we’re figuring out where we want things to go and how to transition to our backyard farm.
Girls started Tball practice every week now, so it’ll just get busier – but that’s okay! We enjoy Tball… 4H is getting into full swing, and that is always exciting for us, too. As school winds down these last 9 weeks, we’re preparing for summer and all that is coming with it!
The spring weather has us all sniffling and fighting sore throats – one day it’s 80, the next day it’s 50, and the next day we get a freeze warning for overnight. We’ve had our AC on once or twice, but have relied heavily on our living room ceiling fan and open windows for the most part.
Since Little Man has mastered going up – and down – the stairs, things have gotten easier, but until the basement is all squared away, he won’t be making his way downstairs just yet.
What do you have going on this spring?
When Reality Sets In…
This weekend, Reality came knocking on our front door. It’s not like we have lived in a fairy-tale world, but I will say I was surprised by just HOW differently I imagined our perspective to be from what it really has been.
Reality Set in:
When Chick #6, affectionately nicknamed “Gimpy” died. We were rooting for the poor little thing, but underdeveloped legs prevented growth and the poor itty bitty thing couldn’t hang on. We were willing to deal with a paraplegic chicken. (Yep, I really wrote that). So we are now left with 5 baby chicks who are sprouting wing feathers already. =) We LOVE it.
Reality Set in:
When we watched the movie, Courageous, together as a family. Roy & I both cried. If you haven’t seen it, I would venture to say it’s the best Sherwood Pictures production ever. And Roy & I have both been really chewing on the message of the movie. Yes, it is geared towards men, but mamas can certainly pull some good stuff from it. Everybody needs a mirror held up every so often, and the mirror reflecting God’s Word is always a bit breath-taking.
Reality Set in:
When in response to the question, “Why do we celebrate Easter?”, Curly replied, “It’s the Easter Bunny’s birthday?” WHAT!?! Really? Okay, okay – we celebrate Christmas because it’s Jesus’ birthday, so I get that connection. And NOBODY I know really celebrates the death of anybody, and death is very much part of the Easter story. But the Easter bunny’s birthday? Ack! The girls aren’t even sure they believe in the Easter bunny since their older cousins told them that their mom & dad deliver their Easter baskets – but we’ve been talking about Easter for weeks. Talking about Jesus dying on the cross. Talking about the Resurrection. They’ve been bringing home coloring papers about Jesus and the Last Supper and the Cross from all of their classes for the past weeks. And yet, somewhere along the way, it did not click for them. My stomach flipped when I heard her answer. And it’s been a rather earth-shattering recognition of my failure to communicate my faith effectively to my children.
One issue I recognized is that my perception of God – the fact that I have been aware of His Presence from my very earliest memories without knowing WHY I’ve been aware – is very different from my girls. My mom took us to church when we were kids – but I was aware of God’s power and presence beyond the church doors. I was aware of the spiritual battle going on around me long before I knew how to pick up the Sword and put on the armor.
I take it for granted that my children can sense the same in the same way. And that’s my incorrect assumption – and yep, it has made a donkey out of me.
So, REALITY dictates some taking stock and changing the way I approach and incorporate God into our daily lives at home. Not instead of Roy – not in place of Roy – but because I am their mother and it is just as important that I teach my children (especially my daughters) about my personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and what He means to me in little and big ways.
Whew – Reality dictates going back to the drawing board and addressing the important aspects of my life – thinking about HOW I live because that’s what they see. That’s what they know. And apparently, obviously, they are not seeing or perceiving the things I think about and feel about God.
God checked me with a Reality Check – BIG TIME – this past weekend, and I’m still reeling…
Have you ever been hit by a Reality Check from God? How did you react? How did you move forward? Did it have a lasting effect on your life and the way you live?
Book Review: The Money Saving Mom’s Budget (Audio Book)
Title: The Money Saving Mom’s Budget: Slash Your Spending, Pay Down Your Debt, Streamline Your Life, and Save Thousands a Year
Author: Crystal Paine, The Money Saving Mom
Published: January 2012
My Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
The Money Saving Mom, Crystal Paine, shares in great detail how she and her family found an effective way to manage money, instead of just living from paycheck to paycheck and struggling to pay bills. (Right now, Crystal is having a contest to win an iPad – and will have a webcast on 4/5 – get entered by clicking the link below!)
Money Saving Mom’s Budget is a breakdown of how YOU can learn to live in financial freedom. The thing I’ve loved about the audio is that I’ve been able to listen to it while rocking my babies to sleep – or while they are watching that movie for the thousandth time but want me to sit close to them…
Addressing several trouble spots – like setting up a budget, using (or not using) credit cards, learning to live on a cash only budget, and more – this book explains in detail how to go about reaching your financial goals and finding financial rest.
Whether you like to read or listen to audio – if you have ANY struggles with money or budgeting, this is a MUST-HAVE book! While Roy & I have always wanted to attend a certain financial authority’s financial university, coming up with the money to do so has not been easy – and committing to a series of meetings requiring arrangements for childcare – well, that has added to our challenge. Having this guide has really inspired me to think differently about money and encouraged me to take steps to helping my family reach our financial goals and find a stress-free way of living within a realistic budget.
The book also provides budget forms to help work out your financial goals and apply steps outlined in the book. While some may think this is “basic” budgeting instruction, I heard some new ideas and am excited about moving towards a cash-only existence – even if it takes baby steps to get there.
You can find your own copy at the link below!
The Money Saving Mom’s Budget: Slash Your Spending, Pay Down Your Debt, Streamline Your Life, and Save Thousands a Year
[I received the audio copy of this book as part of the Litfuse Publicity Group Blog Tours for the express purpose of providing a review. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.]
Spring Is Busting Out! My First Video Blog
Here’s my first Video Blog! Grab a cup of coffee or tea and settle in! (click below…)
Where Has March Gone?
No really? Did you see it fly right on by? It’s been something like the tornado from the wizard of oz with cows and chickens flying by these days.
If only that were TRUE!!! No, instead, it has just been busy and I have just been tired and we have just been trying to get by. At least we haven’t had 6 feet of snow on the ground, cuz I think that would have pushed me over into zombieland!
No, instead, I’ve been focusing my time on family, school, and home – although not always in that order. My mom came to visit for a few days – helped me get through some stuff in Little Man’s room, cooked up a bunch of chicken for my freezer, and washed dishes for me. Ahhhhh! While she did that, I did some homework, took a nap, and Little Man started walking on a more regular basis.
Since then, he has fallen all the way down our basement steps (twice!) despite a gate, and had an incident with a Scentsy warmer resulting in NO burns, and only bumps and bruises.
I think I sprouted a bajillion gray hairs…
The girls have had things going on with school, 4H has started up, girls Tball warmups have started up, and I’m transitioning from my abnormal psych to a life coaching class, while still doing algebra.
Yeah, are you worn out? Okay – go grab a bottle of water. I’ll get one too. Let’s meet back here.
okay, I’m back.
I’ve been doing TONS of reading – and I mean TONS. I’ll be getting some book reviews up here soon, and my coffee review (which I’m so excited about!)
I’ve also been doing a TON of writing, just not online. Got lots of stuff simmering – and I mean simmering – and I run out of ink or lead before I can get it all out.
So, while my blog has been on a pretty strict diet lately, something is coming down the pipe cuz my writing wheels are in high gear.
If only I could sit and type everything out on a regular basis… lol
In the meantime, I still have posts to wrap up 12 Days of Chocolate. sigh. And a giveaway there, too. but blogging & computer time are limited, so they’ll just wait.
If you can’t stick around waiting for my priorities to shift – I totally get it. I’ve been reading a LOT of inspiring blogs lately and God’s really been hammering away on me in a lot of areas. I don’t want to waste anybody’s time…
But it might be awhile before I can get back to my regularly scheduled blogging, so thanks for being here – for checking up on me – and for waiting patiently while God lays out His plans fo rme!
Guest Post: Vulnerability Invites Romance
It has become second nature for women to defend themselves. For untold generations, women have been hurt, taken advantage of, and diminished in their value. With the advent of the Women’s Liberation Movement, women came out swinging against the injustices they’d endured and, in the process, they lost something of great value—their vulnerability.
There is something so inviting about vulnerability.
Vulnerability is armorless.
Vulnerability draws others in.
It invites others to look deep inside.
This invitation to look inside is exactly why so many avoid vulnerability at all cost.
It’s dangerous.
If you offer vulnerability to your husband, what will he do with it?
Hurt you?
Take advantage of you?
Think less of you?
These risks overshadow vulnerability’s beauty until you consider the consequences of a life lived defensively.
Living defensively is like living in a fortress—walls built up and weapons ready. The face behind the wall is tense, scanning for threat.
A life lived on the defense is a life spent without rest, joy, or freedom.
Many women dwell behind walls that inadvertently keep their husbands out, and they wonder why they do not feel known. Since true romance involves being known and desired, to invite your husband to romance you must take the risk of being vulnerable, tearing down your defensive walls.
For instance, when you get hurt, do you retaliate in anger, or are you vulnerable with your husband and admit your feelings? Retaliating in anger may satisfy your thirst for justice, but it won’t give you the increased romance and intimacy you want.
No one approaches a fortress when arrows are flying from it—unless they are prepared for battle!
It takes more courage to admit your feelings of hurt than to defend yourself. It requires you to trust God to keep you safe when you expose your hurts, and to heal you if your husband is not gentle. The good news is that God promises to do all these things and more in Psalm 91:
. . . The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name.”
You must come to recognize what triggers you to defend yourself rather than to admit your pain. Perhaps it’s a fear that your needs won’t be met or that you’re not valuable.
When the triggers come, remind yourself that God loves you and He’ll defend and protect you if you put your trust in Him. Shooting arrows of anger over your walls doesn’t provide your husband the safety he needs to know, desire, and pursue you.
Allow God to protect you and go before you, leveling your defenses and making way for your husband to romance you.
Do you offer your husband vulnerability?
Special Note: If you are in an emotionally or physically abusive marriage, exposing your vulnerability could be damaging to you instead of healing. I urge you to seek the help you need. Contact the Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE, or call your church and ask to be referred to a reputable Christian counselor.
Sandy Ralya is the founder and director of Beautiful Womanhood, a marriage mentoring ministry based near Grand Rapids, Mich. Her marriage testimony was the focus of a popular three-day interview on FamilyLife Today, TV’s Walking by Faith, and Time Out for Women. Sandy is a sought-after speaker, presenting Beautiful Womanhood seminars to hundreds of women each year at MOPS groups, women’s retreats, and church leadership conferences across the country and in Canada. Sandy and her husband Tom have been married since 1980, and have a growing number of grandchildren. www.beautifulwomanhood.com
Guest Post: Romance Blooms with Showers of Confidence
Men are highly sensitive to signals of doubt because doubt plagues them.
If you continually give off signals of doubt, you will confirm the fear of inadequacy that lurks deep within your husband.
If a man believes he doesn’t have what it takes to please you, there’s not much chance he’ll attempt romance.
“A wise woman builds her house, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands” (Proverbs 14:1).
Doubting your husband and his abilities tears away at a man; conferring confidence builds him up.
A confident man is grateful to the one who believes in him.
- Do you have confidence in your husband, or do you find yourself regularly second-guessing him?
- Do you struggle with doubt when it comes to his abilities?
He needs to be supported by your confidence in him
- at home
- in the workplace
- and in his dream for the future.
At home, I wanted Tom involved with the discipline of our children but was rarely pleased with his methods. I thought he was too strict and should be more understanding. Instead of communicating clearly with Tom about my concerns, I undermined his authority by smoothing things over with the kids behind his back.
My actions conveyed a lack of confidence in my husband.
I sabotaged our parenting and our marriage.
- Our kids learned their parents weren’t always on the same team, so if they worked on the more lenient parent, they might get their way.
- Tom felt hurt and angry.
Doubting my husband didn’t open any doors to romance!
The media constantly broadcast fear and doubt concerning the future. Against this tidal wave of doom and gloom, it’s difficult for a man to confidently believe that God has planned a hopeful future for him.
When my husband was going through a job transition a couple of years ago, it became apparent he was struggling with doubt over his ability to succeed in a new venture. He was really down one day when he commented, “Most men don’t make a job change at fifty.” I asked, “Who says?”
He rewarded me with a smile from ear to ear.
Tom’s words weren’t so much a statement of fact as they were a question—he was asking me if I believed he could successfully make a job change at fifty.
A wise wife counteracts the media’s message of fear with a daily dose of confidence.
Inspiring confidence in your husband is like pouring water on dry, thirsty ground.
What seeds of potential lie dormant within your husband, waiting for the showers of your confidence? What does your husband dream of doing?
Let your husband know that you believe in him.
If you don’t, who will?
Breathe words of confidence into your husband today and watch as he stands taller with every word spoken.
That said, pray about which ones to encourage. If your husband’s dreams take him in a direction that worries you, consider your concerns. Are they rooted in selfishness or fear?
Turn to God and give Him your worries.
Conferring confidence invites your husband to romance.
Could your love-life benefit from showers of confidence?
Sandy Ralya is the founder and director of Beautiful Womanhood, a marriage mentoring ministry based near Grand Rapids, Mich. Her marriage testimony was the focus of a popular three-day interview on FamilyLife Today, TV’s Walking by Faith, and Time Out for Women. Sandy is a sought-after speaker, presenting Beautiful Womanhood seminars to hundreds of women each year at MOPS groups, women’s retreats, and church leadership conferences across the country and in Canada. Sandy and her husband Tom have been married since 1980, and have a growing number of grandchildren. www.beautifulwomanhood.com
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