Last Saturday was one of THOSE days as a Mommy.
2 kids up before 6:30 a.m.
Roy had to work and left early.
Instant squabbling between siblings.
It all came to a head as we were attempting to get the kids play area rearranged and cleaned up. Screaming. Fighting. Crying.
And it wasn’t just the kids.
I came away from it feeling several things:
- I suck at being a mom.
- I am the ONLY mom who screams at her kids.
- I’m totally failing because my kids don’t show gratitude or appreciation for anything they have.
- I do a better job washing dishes than training children.
- I only had to SURVIVE the day…
And I ended up face down on my bed bawling my eyes out. My inner Mom voice is very negative, very critical, and very loud.
Ever been there?
And then I read two posts from some gifted writers. And they went straight to my heart.
Holley Gerth wrote “You’re more than your hard days” and I cried as I read it. If I ever have the opportunity to meet Holley – I’m going to be a blubbering mess thanking her for her writing. (Holley, this is your fair warning!)
And then I read Christin’s post at The Better Mom – Mothering Your Children vs. Managing Them – and cried even harder.
I don’t want to be the mom that only yells (or cries) and rarely laughs and plays.
I don’t want to be the mom that harps on my kids for every. little. thing. and rarely praises them for the things they do so well.
I don’t want to be the mom that they only remember as angry or sad – and never pleasant or supportive.
My inner Mom tells me I’m totally missing the mark. That I’m totally screwing everything up. That I should quit.
And that’s when I know it’s not even just my inner voice anymore. it’s that enemy of ours whispering to my heart of hearts that i can’t do what i’ve been called to do.
i hate him. i despise him. i hate that his voice is so loud in my ear and i am so willing to hear his ugly message.
So then I reread the words of wise women who write from their experience and faith in God. And I read Scripture that says God is faithful and He is not willing that ANY should perish but that everyone should come to repentance and relationship with Him. And I remember that ultimately, my children are in God’s hands and He has a specific purpose for them.
a purpose which cannot be deterred even by my failings. OR my feelings!
And I beg for mercy and grace. For my children. For their mother. For our family. And after Roy lets me cry on his shoulder and offers his support and understanding – and after some time out in the sunshine – i can breathe again.
even when there is more screaming. and fighting. and arguing.
and I can thank God that we’ve survived one of THOSE Mommy Days… and know He has grace enough to carry us through tomorrow.